Chuck Schumer: I Love You, Man!

© 2009 Leighann Lord

I love Senator Chuck Schumer (D, NY). I don't love him out of some misguided sense of state pride or in that restraining order kinda way. I love him because he has a knack for bringing attention to the little things in life that matter to the little people. He had me at the "airline passenger bill of rights." Yes, there's haggling over health care, too many or too few troops in Afghanistan, but last week Chuck put the spotlight on the issue of egregious ATM fees. I love you, man!

If you've used an ATM to grab a little cash then you know fees have gone up. If you've availed yourself of an ATM that is not owned by your bank, then you are charged a fee by both. If it sounds like double dipping and smells like double dipping then it's banking business as usual. It's the bail out they never have to pay back.

And the timing of Chuck's charge is no accident. In a nutshell: "C'mon guys. It's Christmas!" During the holidays no one, not even banking executives, wants to be labeled a Grinch, a Scrooge, or the Burger Meister Meister Burger. Nice use of holiday guilt, Senator. You are the smoothest version of the Ghost of Christmas Present.

To avoid ATM fees I take money out of the bank the old-fashioned way. I go to the bank during banking hours. I fill out a withdrawal slip, take it to the window and tell the teller what denominations I want. Twenty dollars in singles makes me feel flush. If I absolutely have to go to an ATM, I make sure I go to one that’s owned by MY bank. I refuse to pay a fee to withdraw MY money.

For good or ill I do the family finances. My Husband came home one day and dutifully gave me an ATM receipt for a withdrawal he made from his checking account. I noticed that it was not from "our" bank. "Well no," he said. "I couldn't find a branch of 'our' bank, so I went to another one. Does it make a difference?"

I guess I must have blacked out because when I came to I was flipping through the Yellow Pages looking for a divorce lawyer. Of course I wouldn't have been able to afford one, what with our family fortune being frittered away on fees. Our marriage survived and we learned a few things. If a man really loves his wife, he won't go swiping his bank card all over town in just any old ATM machine. But that same love, no matter how strong, does not endow a man with the ability to magically read his wife's mind. But it should.

He should have known that ATM fees drive me crazy. Chuck knew. That’s why I’m glad he’s championing a cause of the frugal folk. My lofty hopes were laid low, however, when I heard that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, "promised that his agency will conduct a review of the major rise in ATM fees imposed by banks on customers who are simply trying to withdraw their own money." Oh no, not "A Review." Feel the fear? Me neither. The only thing that could make this more disingenuous is if this review is done by a committee of "Industry Leaders."

This "review" could be accomplished with a simple conference call between Bernanke and his friends:

Ben: Hey guys, why are the ATM fees so high?

Banks: Duh, because we make more money that way.

Ben: Yeah, I know but Chuck called so knock it off.

Banks: Do we have too?

Ben: At least until after the holidays.

Banks: Awww!

Ben: Don't make me adjust the prime rate.

Banks: Okay, fine .... F*&k Chuck.

Ben: I heard that!

[DIAL TONE]

A review sounds so lame. Bernanke isn’t flexing his muscle in Alan Greenspanian fashion. He's passing the buck. Or rather, letting his friends continue to pocket them. Nothing was said about stopping, restricting or regulating ATM fees. And even if there was something else would take it’s place: A bank cover charge with a two transaction minimum? A withdrawal slip fee? Call it a "going green" campaign and it'll be bullet proof. Even worse, it might be Chuck proof. I still love him for trying though.

Leighann Lord is a standup comedian. See her perform Friday, 12/18 @ the infamous Ottos Shrunken Head for the No Name Comedy Show! Check out her other upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter. www.VeryFunnyLady.com

Leave Me Alone, Al Roker!

© 2009 Leighann Lord

I hopped into a cab on my way to do a spot at The Comic Strip. I reached reflexively to turn off The Taxi Cab TV but there was no off button. What the Frak? There's usually an obvious red "off" button on the bottom right side of the TV touch screen. Today, it was painfully absent. With the TV blaring I said to the driver, "Excuse me? Can you turn this off from up there?" "No," he said. "I'm sorry." So the best I could do was turn it down, but I was still visually assaulted by a dazzling array of bright, quick-moving video images and Al Roker.

This attack on my senses is not unique. I was sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office. I and two other people were quietly reading. One woman was flipping through a magazine, the gentleman was engrossed in a novel and I, as usual, was on my laptop. Suddenly, the receptionist came out, remote control in hand, and turned on the TV to some mind-numbing morning show. Seriously? Perhaps the look on my face made her belatedly ask, "Do you mind having the TV on?" The other two gave half-hearted, acquiescent shrugs. I spoke up and said, "Do we have too?"

"Uh ... okay," she said, turning it off, the room returning to a blissful, blather-free silence. "The Doctor thought it was a little too quiet in here." A little too quiet? Thought we'd over hear the screaming, did he? Before I could stop myself, I said, "It's a little early, but would you like me to ring up a few friends, call a DJ and make it a party?" The receptionist didn't answer, choosing instead to return to the safety of her glass enclosed cube.

That was probably best. My DJ-on-call days are a bit behind me. The best I could do was aux in my Ipod and hope everyone liked my 80s House Music play list. But Marshall Jefferson is not for everybody. Even hard core House Heads may not be inspired to "Jack, jack, jack, jack your body" at 9:30 in the morning.

Now I must admit, I might have reacted differently if the TV had been turned on to Judge Judy. If they had tried to call me in for my appointment in the middle of a case, there’d be problems.

My Dentist has a TV in the waiting room AND the examination room. But he has never one asked me what I want to watch. No CNN, History International or Cartoon Network for me. My choices are Rachel Ray and Wheel of Fortune. "I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat. What is ‘Hell no!’?" I’d prefer a root canal.

My Dentist has a wicked sense of humor, so I should be grateful he doesn’t make me watch something from the Saw franchise. Besides, if the TV is there to distract me, it’s not working. Once the chair reclines and the Dentist goes to work, all I see is the bright over head light, and all I hear is the whirr of the drill.

Is this how old age starts, with a need for peace and quiet that quickly devolves into sensible shoes and dinner at 4 o’clock? But truthfully, I've always been like this. I remember going to night clubs in college and being dismayed that the music was so needlessly loud. "How am I supposed to have a conversation with anybody?" I screamed at my friends as the baseline reverberating through my marrow. Yes. I know. I'm odd. But as we age there is a natural loss of hearing. At some point the music will need to be loud for me to enjoy it. Why rush it?

This is perhaps one of the few good reasons to have children later in life. By the time they’re teenagers, they can play their music as loud as they like. Mama’s not gonna care.

We've had TVs in the back of Taxi's for quite a while now. At first it was novel. Now, it's annoying. I feel overstimulate to the point of numbness. (Perhaps this is what my Dentist is trying to achieve, saving money on novocaine.) I don’t need to be constantly entertained. Sometimes I want to hear, see and do nothing. Sometimes I want a break from The Matrix. Sometimes I want an Al Roker-free cab ride.

Leighann Lord is a standup comedian. See her perform Monday, 12/7, at Tom Ragu's Comedy Review @ the legendary Stone Wall Inn in NYC. Check out her other upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter. More at
www.VeryFunnyLady.com

The Palin-Clinton Coffee Klatsch

© 2009 Leighann Lord

Half listening to the Sunday talk show clap trap, I thought I misheard Hillary Clinton when she said she had not yet met Sarah Palin, but wouldn't mind chatting with her over a cup of coffee. I couldn't believe these two pivotal political women weren’t personally acquainted, but then again, Sarah dissed Hil pretty hard for playing the gender card, or as Sarah called it: "whining." I guess it's not whining if you write it instead of say it.

I can't say that Hillary's coffee offer came off as completely disingenuous, but it did smack a bit of diplomacy. With Sarah Palin's literary tour de force, "Going Rogue," settling scores and naming names, maybe Hillary was just trying to keep her name out of the sequel, "Going Rogue: Part Deux."

Sunday also marked a full week since I'd given up coffee, and the mere mention of it made me wistful. I wondered where this coffee klatsch would take place: Alaska, New York, Washington D.C.? What kind of coffee would they have: Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, Tim Horton's, or the oddly appropriate home brewed cup of Chock Full O’Nuts? How does each woman take her coffee? Straight black, decaf, caf, latte, cappuccino, espresso? Light and sweet, milk, cream, Half & Half? Real sugar, Equal or Splenda? As you can see, it's been a rough seven days.

I am also curious if anyone has bothered looking up the definition of the word rogue. According to Dictionary.com, it's a noun meaning "a dishonest, knavish person. A scoundrel." As a verb it means "to cheat." Its synonyms: "bad egg, charlatan, con artist." But no worries, we aren't big on looking up words. It's so much easier to figure them out from the way they sound. And rogue just sounds like uber-maverick doesn't it?

This reminds of me of when President Obama was asked his opinion about the African-American Harvard Professor who was arrested for breaking into his own home. He said, the Cambridge Police "acted stupidly" and The Beer Summit was born. There probably would have been no controversy if the President had chosen a different adjective: ludicrously, preposterously, obtusely. I imagine if he'd said the police acted "sophomorically," most people would have assumed the cop in question hadn't finished high school.

It's interesting that when men make plans to colloquy, it's over alcohol, hence the infamous Beer Summit. Hillary Clinton, by contrast, said coffee. So this meeting, should it ever happen, will be a cordial but very sober sit down. And please, Ladies, no whining.

Leighann Lord is a standup comedian. See her perform 11/24 - 28 at Acme Comedy Company in Mineapolis with the Sheroes of Comedy! Check out her other upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter.